


And I know she will be the death of me, at least we'll both be numb

by draconianApathy



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: (it's just depicted implicitly, Abandonment, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Crying, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gaslighting, Might write a sequel, Panic Attack Mention, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Spoilers free, Swearing, The word "useless", Unsympathetic!Patton, slight self deprecation (once), wounds mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:15:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26972005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/draconianApathy/pseuds/draconianApathy
Summary: SPOILERS FREEBlack or white, with no space for grey; Thomas’s parents’ teachings were clear as the day of light, thus the mindscape had to be put in a metaphorical division. A metaphorical division that, actually, wasn’t metaphorical at all.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 25





	And I know she will be the death of me, at least we'll both be numb

**Author's Note:**

> Hi I had this idea back in the days and couldn't stop thinking about it until I eventually wrote it out! There's some head canons of mine, like the division of the mindscape and the sides' names thing, plus Icarus is my Orange side, I created him along a friend, feel free to ask anything about him if you'd like!  
> That is all, I ask you only to read the tags carefully for any potential trigger, tell me if I missed anything.  
> Thanks to any commenter, subscriber, silent reader and whoever gives bookmarks and kudos! Y'all make my life complete.  
> Without any further ado, let's get this started! (on an unrelated note, I hope you liked the latest Asides, here's some pain!)

_Dear whoever,_

_I feel like I don’t belong._

There wasn’t much to be said.

Black or white, with no space for grey; Thomas’s parents’ teachings were clear as the day of light, thus the mindscape had to be put in a metaphorical division. A metaphorical division that, actually, wasn’t metaphorical at all.

It wasn’t as bad at first, as kids. They would all play along and try their best together, cooperating, having almost the same opinions and not fully formed minds yet.

Then, some grew earlier, some took way longer, some appeared later, doomed already to a life of repression: one of them had started not feeling as comfortable, driving a wedge between the other sides so they would develop some form of distrust.

It had been ever since Morality had wanted them to call him “dad”.

Despite Logic growing as fast as he did, he wanted them all to be little subordinates, as if his were the primal input to follow, before taking anything else into account.

Of course, one of the youngest had to differ, the most rebel one.

Morality listened to his yelling calmly, crouched down at his level and, after the kid was done, he confessed it was time they made some order, in fact, over the mindscape.

And so Bad and Good sides were deemed, two different areas were created for each and he were the one sorting out every one of them, listening to Logic’s suggestions on the matter fairly little.

Janus remembered perfectly the moment Patton had sent who now was Dark Creativity in the Bad wing, he then pointed his fingers towards him and said « Denial, why don’t you accompany him? »

Logic was surprised, tried to convince him ponder his decision more as the other Creativity started crying even more than when he had been parted from Remus.

After that, not much else.

The Dark and Light nicknaming came and they started to own up to the name, their emotions and animosity growing darker with the walls around them.

They stopped seeing each other, gaining different names to nurture their little fake families as they tried to forget. That, until Patton came knocking on their door.

Denial had opened up and was met with a new uncomfortable face, fidgeting with the hem of the black shirt he had on. Janus had only blinked, did he think the newcomer was inherently bad because of the shirt’s color?

« He had appeared in the Imagination a couple of days ago. We monitored him, realized he’s Anxiety. » Morality prompted the guy to make his way into the Dark wing. « I’m sure he’ll feel at home here. »

With that, he was gone.

Right before Denial could muster any argument, Remus had come back with yet another new friend.

« Wait. » such a familiar face, which was looking down, hidden inside an orange cape. « … Motivation? »

« I found him in a remote corner of the Imagination. Fucker was trying to disappear and be forgotten and have slumber parties alone. »

« Why aren’t you home? »

« I don’t have one. » the boy finally spoke up. « They don’t want me anymore. »

Janus and Remus looked at each other, the type of glare that made it seem like they were communicating.

« Well, you’re never going back, either. » they both nodded, while Motivation finally looked up at them, touched. « What did they tell you? »

« I … can’t seem to feel nor use my powers anymore. They told me I’m useless. » he didn’t need to specify who “they” was for them to understand.

Anxiety took a hesitant step forward, not sure whether or not he should have intruded in the conversation. « Are they bad people? »

Janus tilted his head from side to side, the answer wasn’t exactly easy.

« Technically, we’re the baddies. » Remus clarified, shrugging. « Hold on, who the fuck are you? Jee, who the fuck is this? »

Denial couldn’t help but laugh at his manners. « Calm down, rat. He’s new too. Well, entirely new. Patton just dropped him off after deciding that his function is inherently bad. »

Dark Creativity just scoffed with a “typical”, while Janus smiled at the new side, intimating him to introduce himself.

« I’m Anxiety, I guess. »

« Wonderful, we’re happy to have you here. I am Denial, while he is- »

« A bad bitch, if you piss me off! »

« Yes, definitely. You two can just call us Janus and Remus. » he gestured for all of them to follow him and sit down in their living room. « Motivation? »

« I’d prefer the name Icarus. » he pulled off the hood from his cape, revealing two orange wolf-like irises.

Denial nodded, then glanced back at Anxiety. « You probably don’t know your name yet, but it’ll come to you eventually. »

He watched him consider, as if he were trying to look for his name inside of himself. « I’m mostly confused about how anything works here. »

« We’ll get there with time. The important thing is you learn how to control your input, so your influence on Thomas is adequate. We have to protect him. »

« Hold on, why are we the bad sides if we’re protecting him? »

Remus and Janus shared another look, a sadder one. « Buddy, » Icarus perked up again, conscious of what it was like to be on both Wings now. « You’re going to have a lot of unanswered questions. It’s not fair, but … we can’t change it yet. It would be too risky. »

« Just take us as we are, dude. » Remus stood up « And then we’ll have a _lot_ of fun. » he said, leaning in very mischievously as Anxiety leaned back, squinting.

« Alright, enough playing, let’s go show you two around, shall we? »

✾

Janus remembered how Anxiety had run to him that day.

He had clearly just been through a panic attack, yet he had a smile on his face. Who could be able to smile and panic at the same time?

Denial had immediately grown worried, but the other had taken his hands in his own, eyes all sparkly and amazed, something mesmerizing to anyone.

« I know it! » he had exclaimed contentedly. « I finally know it! »

« What is it? » as much as Janus had been concerned for whatever had happened, he couldn’t find it in himself to remain serious in front of Anxiety’s excited face. He had smiled.

« My name. » the other had said, still squeezing his hands like he was trying to pass the information onto him. « My name is Virgil. »

The smile on his face had widened. « Very well, Virgil. » he had put a hand on his shoulder. « We’re glad to have you on board. »

« I just, » Virgil had looked at a point behind Denial, before looking back at him. « I feel like I have a purpose now. No, I’ve always had one, I just couldn’t understand it wholly until now. It’s like- »

« An epiphany. » Janus had finished for him, remembering how it had been so revealing and satisfying to finally find himself. How he had told everyone else … How he had started to see Morality’s disapproval ever since.

_“I’m sure there’s gonna be something positive to it, at the very least. Right_?” he had said through gritted teeth. What a liar.

Virgil had gone on about the new feelings he had developed, the new sensibility, like he had full control over his powers over Thomas, and sure, he might have been a little inconvenient at times, or a little too strong, but …

« … It feels like I belong here. » Anxiety had murmured.

« You do, dear. You always have. » Janus had reassured him.

He remembered the hug they shared, the ones that came after and the little self-care days he had organized along with him, Remus and Icarus. The sleepovers they had once a week, the movie nights full of horror and splatter, the Halloween day celebrated like it was Christmas. How they all grew up together and stood up for each other and protected Thomas on the sidelines.

The first time he had said “I love you” and “you’re my best friend”.

And then, the time Virgil had felt like he could take over the world.

« You have to let me go, I know I can persuade them! »

« It’s still a little too risky … »

« If we never try, we’ll never make it. »

« We can try, » Janus had bitten his lip, why was he making it so hard? « But I’d rather be extremely sure first. »

Virgil had stepped closer. « I am Anxiety, I overthink everything, of course I’d be extremely sure. I know for a fact that this is the perfect moment to strike for the first time. Plus, Thomas already knows of me in some way. »

Remus had decided to step in and Janus had somehow thought he could convince him. « You have no idea how they really are. » he had pointed out. « Who knows, you could come home without an eye. »

Virgil had eyed him and sighed. « What? »

« Okay, look, » Icarus stopped working on sewing some fake wolf fur on his cape. « I’m probably the only one here who had stayed enough with them and can have a good opinion on what we should do. » he pondered for some seconds, then intercepted Virgil’s expression and found hope.

What harm could there be?

« I think he should go. »

« What? »

« Look. We’ve been cautious this whole time and, with Thomas’s mind and opinions developing so quickly, we cannot hide any longer. Plus, as he said, Thomas already kind of knows him. It’ll be a softer surprise than any of us. »

Virgil had turned to Janus again, looking at him like he had been telling him “See?” and the other couldn’t possibly stop him from going out of the mindscape and finally appearing in front of everybody else.

« You’re really going? » Janus had been there the first day he left the Dark Wing.

Anxiety had turned to him, smiled softly and nodded.

Denial had gotten closer and opened his arms, ready to take one of their secret hugs as Virgil theatrically rolled his eyes.

« I’m sorry I doubted you, I’m just scared. »

« It’s okay, Janus. I’m always careful. »

He had softly chuckled at that. « I know. »

« You can look up what happens from the common office. »

« I know. »

« Okay you can let go now. »

« I know. » Janus said, not letting go.

« Oh my rats, get a room. » Remus had been sitting on the counter a few feet away from them. « Good luck, Virgin! » he had waved overly excited at him as Virgil loosened the embrace.

« Wow, thanks. » he had waved back, then ventured outside.

As Denial and Dark Creativity were left alone, they had caught each other’s glance.

« What do you _actually_ think of this? »

Remus had looked down at his dangling feet, a behavior he assumed only when serious. « I feel like this is going to end up in a giant clusterfuck. »

And he had been right.

Nothing hurts more than seeing your loved ones go and never come back.

There were less sleepovers, less movie nights, less spending time together, less talking, there were more “Maybe tomorrow?”s or “Sorry, I’m tired.”, more “Oh, I already ate.”

Less “I love you”s, less “You’re the best friends I’ve ever had.”

Janus wanted to address it, he really did. But he couldn’t. He was way too scared Virgil would’ve slipped away much easier that way. What if he went about it the wrong way? What if everything just went wrong in general?

What if this, what if that, and he never came around to confront him.

Eventually, they grew colder towards each other, eventually he started loathing the situation and loathing his relationships in the Light Wing and loathing him too, maybe.

One day, he heard a knock on the door. One day, he saw Patton in front of the door again, his piercing smile tried to make its way past the offense.

« I’m here to collect Virgil! »

One day, he lost the first of them.

« I’m here. » Virgil stepped towards the door, holding some of the belongings he couldn’t have moved previously.

« Wonderful! »

« Hold the fuck up. » Remus stood from the couch. « What the fuck are we doing here? »

Both he and Janus witnessed something they would have never fathomed: Patton pulled Virgil behind him, assuming a protective stance and a much sterner expression.

« Don’t you dare touch him. »

Remus stopped midway. « What? »

« You always do this, wanting to solve things with violence. »

« I wasn’t- »

« I am so disappointed in you, Intrusive Thoughts. »

His mind was about to explode. What did he just call him?

« Excuse me, what are you going on about? He’s never hurt us. » Janus folded his arms over his chest. _Gas-lighting? Really?_

« Oh, we all know you’re a liar. »

For the first time, he was left speechless, unable to respond. He glanced over at Virgil, who stiffened, he could hear his breath hitching.

Why … why was he afraid of them?

That is when a trembling Icarus took up all of his remaining courage and barged into the room, with big steps he took the door’s handle and flashed the fakest smile he could muster. « Okay. Please, never come back. » he shut the door on their faces.

They waited for the sound of sinking down.

Icarus realized he had been squeezing the doorknob way tighter than needed, his knuckles completely white, hurting. He slowly turned back to, begrudgingly, check the scene behind him: for the first time in his life, he saw Remus in disbelief, trying to connect non-existent dots that Patton had just thrown at him.

And Janus? Well, he could have sworn he had been there. But by the moment Icarus had looked in his general direction, Denial was already gone.

Abruptly, Remus started marching towards the Imagination.

« Where are you going? » Icarus’s throat was stinging, his hands still trembling.

It took the other some instants before he could muster any word.

« I’m going to kill him. »

✾

It took them about a week before any of them stopped ignoring each other.

After that, they finally vented all of their feelings out, Remus stopped destroying and recreating puppets of the Lights, Janus stopped crying over things he could have had control over and Icarus stopped thinking that maybe he really was good for nothing, if he had gone from Light to Dark, unlike Virgil.

They, rather, tried to comfort each other the best they could, tried to put down everything that happened and how it could have happened. They had almost forgotten about all the details. Why didn’t they know anything of it?

« I never solve things with violence! » Remus had been lying on half of the couch, exhausted from his own overthinking. « I never solve things in the first place, why would I even want to order chaos? »

« That was so fucked up. » Icarus put his hands on his face. « _So_ fucked up. » he repeated, huffing.

« Yeah, no. And _I_ would be the liar? »

« Patton told Virgil things. He must have. »

« That’s what I was thinking as well. » Janus nodded at Motivation. « But … isn’t Virgil doing good, still? »

The other two looked up at him, surprised.

« I mean … he would’ve let us know, if they had harmed him. »

« This is how he does it, » Icarus gained all of their attention. He had never talked about his experience, he had never been ready. « Patton is nice to you, lures you in, and then makes you love him. I loved him, hell, there’s still a part of me that does. Then he starts putting limits, and, if you try to question him, he either plays victim or reassures you it’s all for Thomas, because he’s Morality and he knows better. »

His hands had stopped shaking since they all started talking, feeling safe telling the truth for the first time in his life.

« And if you still don’t agree … he does it his way anyway. If you point out your disagreement, he gas-lights you. » Icarus sat back on the couch again. « That is all. »

« Then Virgil must have been gas-lighted. Right? Remus sat up and looked between the two. « The fear he felt wasn’t his, it was all fake? »

« Yeah, I’m pretty sure it was all installed by Morality. »

« Just. Why does he do that? »

« Cause he’s a badder bitch than me. »

« Well, » Icarus’s head went from side to side, kind of agreeing with Remus. « He certainly has been corrupted. Thomas must have learnt an harsh education, which made Patton a sort of cadet, until he was fully corrupted. »

Janus considered the new information. « And … how do we stop that? »

When they all glanced at each other, they understood they had a new goal in mind.

First things first, Denial started being in his room a little longer; not because he wanted to cry and hide away from others, but because there was a new investigation to be brought up.

He started watching all the interactions the Lights had shared with Thomas, despite how much it hurt, and took down every time dysfunctional thoughts had plagued each side, noted every uncomfortable glance and realized not all of them seemed to follow Patton’s thought blindly.

Apart from Virgil: it was as if he had been adored by him that whole time, despite Morality being the first one to drop him off to the Dark Wing, back then.

Once he was done, Janus realized almost everything he wrote down were dysfunctional thoughts Thomas had developed, which was starting to deteriorate his mental health. Had he ever taken a break?

Denial was about to call a meeting with his friends, when a new tab appeared under his eyes.

« Can Lying Be Good? » he read, squinting at how sketchy that felt.

Maybe he could have stayed a while.

Everything felt too forced during the episode, Patton acted like he had put up a personality that wasn’t his. And then, it happened.

« Deceit! » he heard Logan yell, and instead of Morality he was looking at an exact replica of himself.

_No fucking way._

Janus waited for the perfect moment to strike, he wanted to play? A game they could have.

He shape-shifted into Patton and, for the first time ever, sank up.

Once they were done with the ending scene, only the two of them were left in the living room.

« What was that for?! »

« I’m sorry, friend. » he put up his arms. « I had to intervene before it was too late and he found out about you. Surely you don’t mind it, do you? It’s for Thomas. »

« Too late for what? »

« For you to come up and ruin poor Thomas. »

Denial could feel the false concern he put in his voice.

« You are a- »

« Off you go now! »

At once, he was brought back in the Dark Wing’s living room, where the other two had been hanging.

Icarus and Remus looked at him wide-eyed, wondering why he had sunk up instead of walking from his room.

« He can shape-shift. » he announced, moving towards his room again to mark down the progress. « And also, » Janus looked back at them. « Call me Deceit, from now on. »

✾

Trying again so soon was probably the biggest mistake Janus could have done.

_“Maybe you should wait a little more, Dee.”_

_“When was the last break you took, bro?”_

He stood in Thomas’s living room, but none was listening. When Logan sank up next to him, he was done for and the attention span he had fought for so long had already been lost in a matter of seconds.

He was exhausted, like he had been playing around with meddling kids, no longer able to come up with anything fair or reasonable to prove himself.

Everything hurt, seeing Virgil hating him so much hurt the most.

He was tired, when was it going to end?

_I’ll always be a part of you?_ He didn’t even know you existed Janus, see if he cares.

Once back in the living room, he felt a hand on his wrist keeping him from getting to the Dark wing.

« Nice of you to leave me out of the debate. » Logan’s eyes met his.

« Nice of you to shut me down so quickly. »

For some reason, he chuckled. « Is that why you didn’t want me around? »

Janus shook his head, knowing there was no reason to waste precious time in useless talks with someone who was probably just trying to scorn him.

« Your methods may need a review, but your points were fair. »

Ah, the teacher wanted to school him?

« How can I change my methods when you made sure I couldn’t use any other? » Deceit watched Logan’s expression shift, his eyebrows rose while his eyes widened a bit.

With that, he left him to his devices.

Impossible. None of them would’ve ever even listened to him, none of them saw him as more than a lying side, that was impossible.

No way, there was absolutely no way that any of the Lights wanted to help him; yet, Logan was probably the only one who’s opinion would have floated in a grey area. Still, they were all under Morality’s command, which meant none was to be trusted.

As he got into the room, Icarus and Remus noticed his grimace.

« Didn’t work? »

« Not an ounce, »

Remus perked up. « Does that mean …? »

« Yes, your turn now. » Janus sighed and collapsed on the couch as Icarus went and made some tea for him. « Go and see how well Thomas deals with intrusive thoughts. »

✾

« Well, that was hot. » Remus stepped into the general office, where Janus and Icarus had been checking how Dark Creativity’s meeting with Thomas had gone.

« You … you were completely cornered. » Janus had his head in his hands and his elbows on the desk, about to lose his mind over what had just happened.

Why had Logan tried to suggest something to help him when he blocked off Remus so soon and easily?

« Yes, but it was amazing. Pretty sure the emo softened up a bit. Plus … the dad guy’s shell is breaking. »

That made them all share a look.

« Okay then, we’re doing something. » Icarus stepped away from the chair Deceit was sitting on. « I think we should wait before I make my own entrance. »

« Good idea. We should watch Morality’s next few moves and see if the others start questioning him. »

Icarus nodded, then put his arm around Remus’s shoulders. « Let’s go dude, you deserve a muffin. »

« Trash muffin?! »

« Hell yeah. »

Janus shook his head fondly as they left the room, he couldn’t believe those two even got along like that, that was-

He heard the door open, but didn’t look up, thinking maybe Icarus were shielding himself from a sudden outburst of Remus’s rats.

« Hey. »

« Logan? What brings you here? »

Janus was still skeptic about him, why on Earth would he venture himself in the Dark Wing? Always him, way too sketchy.

« I need a favor. »

« Depends on the favor. »

« Could you impersonate me again, whenever I need it? »

That was the oddest thing anyone had ever asked him.

« And make me look like the villain again? Surely not. » he waved at him, looking back at his screen and notes.

« No, not that. I’m predicting the wedding is going to potentially harm Thomas’s mental health. » Logan stepped closer. « You were … you were self-preservation too once, weren’t you? »

« Let’s not talk about what has been stripped away from me. »

« The moment I can catch Virgil not showing up- »

How dare he, hit his heart with only a name. « Go away, Logan. »

« -then I can see if you can come up in my stead. I have a little idea … not that they’d particularly be bothered by the complete change of appearance. »

« I don’t care. »

« Yes, you do. »

Janus looked up at him, seeing only then that he was leaning over the desk. How dare he again, come into their Wing, propose weird schemes that were probably sent by Patton, saying Anxiety’s name without any regards and even discording with him?

Well, he was, as always, completely right.

« All I am doing here is offering you a solution to this enormous misconception that Thomas was led to believe. » Logan folded his arms over his chest. « You’re welcome to take it or leave it, but you _do_ care nonetheless. »

Janus weighed every option and found too many uncertainties: there was a possibility of being lied to, a non-genuine thought. Logan himself could have been lied to in order to have him turn to Deceit as well and seem genuine.

What even was the idea? It was going to make him inevitably take part as the antagonist.

He looked up at Logic for the last time that day, putting aside his notebook for a second. « Go away, Logan. » he said, taking away all the attention he had deserved him at once.

As Logan got back to the Light Wing, he found Patton walking around the kitchen mindlessly. « So? »

« He said no. »

« Mhm, no worries. » he emptied his mug in the sink, a slight smile plastered on his face. « He’s going to change his mind and everything will fall into place once and for all. »

✾

Next thing he knew, Logan had transformed back to his normal self after venturing in the 8-bit world, Janus’s staff pulling him back to their reality right as they shut him down again.

« Excuse me, I would like some warning before you choke me next time. »

« I’ve been following the argument. » Janus let his staff vanish. « You’re not going to let them carry on with their nonsensical back and forth that is only making things worse. »

« Are you saying you want to intervene, as you should’ve promised? »

« _I’m saying,_ » Janus put his hat and capelet on. « That I’m tired of everyone’s bullshit. » he shape-shifted into Logan and gestured to his seat. « You stay there until I reveal myself. »

With that, he was off.

Off to a great new start, he would’ve believed.

Everything about that discussion had been going in his favor, despite surely some inputs from a very much hurt Roman he could get behind, but he even managed to finally tell Thomas his name! He felt like he could trust him!

Finally understood and satisfied, what else could he ask for, with this perfect opportunity to bring the other Dark sides up with him?

Janus sank down, barely containing his own smile, which only faltered as he noticed Patton and Logan standing in the hallway, eagerly awaiting him.

The latter had an unreadable expression, yet his clenched fists gave away his upset.

« You’re aware this doesn’t mean anything, right? »

When before he felt like he could’ve crushed anyone with his confidence, Deceit immediately looked down, a small fire burning his chest, almost protruding from his skin and encasing him completely, so much that he was unable to speak any further.

« You’re not even halfway. Your relationship with Roman has worsened, not to mention Virgil still hates you. »

Why did that have to sting so much? He already knew all of that, why did he have to put salt on his wounds?

« Oh, by the way, » Patton’s fake grin came back at once. « How is it going with the _evil twin_? »

One quick glance at his wicked expression, and Janus was already hurrying back to his Wing.

_Oh no, he didn’t._

The moment he reached the door’s handle, he pushed it open with all his strength, revealing Virgil sitting across Remus in their living room, both turned to him, all of their eyes as wide as if they’d never acknowledged each other before.

And it was his defeat.

He lost the second of them.

Janus’s expression turned back to his usual neutral, but bitter one and moved slowly across the place.

« Think about it. » he heard Virgil say, who got up from his seat and inevitably crossed paths with him before leaving.

Too bad Janus hadn’t caught Virgil’s pleading glance, the silent unnoticed call for help; maybe, he would’ve understood sooner.

« You know what? » before leaving for his room, Deceit stopped in his tracks. « You can do whatever you want. »

There was a pause in which Remus had bit the inside of his lip, holding back tears he had repressed for way too long.

« So you don’t care? »

Janus’s hand lingered on the wall, his breath hung for some seconds.

« Do you? »

With that, he did the hardest task.

He left him.

✾

It’s always during the most inconvenient moments that people choose to pay you a visit.

Janus had been feeling empty for quite a while, but that morning the entire Dark Wing had felt empty as well. Only two were left in that miserable space, or so he thought.

The moment Logan made his third entrance, it took him a while to find Deceit; not in his own room, but rather he had found him in Motivation’s, holding a letter a little tighter than needed, wrinkling the paper between his fingers.

He had lost the third and last of them.

« Are you happy now? » Janus pushed the letter to Logan’s chest before barging out of the room with big steps, his voice cracking.

Logic held the paper out for a better reading: Icarus had left the Dark Wing too, deciding to venture into the Imagination’s limits, because if his function didn’t serve a single purpose anymore, than what was the point in him staying there as well?

Janus knew those weren’t thoughts of Icarus.

« Patton has called all of us in the living room. »

« See if I care. »

« He’s requesting all of us. »

« I’m not one of you, you made it all pretty clear. »

When Logan stared at him, Deceit found only tiredness, the look of someone who doesn’t have any other choice but to do what they had to do.

« He’s not letting you back in if you don’t drag me there, is he? »

Logic sighed deeply. « He wants you up too, Thomas accepted you. »

What they had in common was that neither of them had any other choice.

Once sunk up, it all felt like a fever dream again, like his vision had been blurred all his life and nothing had been real: they were all there, chatting like they had never hated each other before.

« Oh, good, we’re all here! »

_No, we’re not._

As if nothing had ever happened, as if his life had all been a lie, Patton bubbly said they can finally all start working together. It does wake Janus up again when he glances at him as he insists there’s “rules” to abide, but he feels and hears nothing.

Janus had just altogether stopped speaking, not because he didn’t want to, but because he wasn’t sure he was able to anymore, kind of like when you’re trying to scream in a dream, but nothing comes out.

Nothing could wake him now.

It was all such fake pretense, yet he had been forced into it, like a little puppet, losing everyone.

Losing Virgil to someone else, losing Remus to someone else, both now more inserted in the group than he was, both not really showing any more interest in him compared to others. Losing Roman because of someone else, Icarus because of someone else.

Losing Logan the moment Patton took his hand and the other smiled.

Losing his identity because he couldn’t sympathize with what they wanted him to become.

He should’ve listened to his thoughts when they told him everyone would’ve abandoned him.

Wasn’t that a lovely picture? Seeing himself grow and decline and go back to his previous self, back when things were bad but didn’t yet realize so.

_Well of course_ , he thought, feeling the tingly sensation of delirious laughter in his throat.

He was in denial again.

_Dear whoever,_

_I feel like I don’t belong._


End file.
